so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
