Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
