i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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