I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
