So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
