I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
