hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
