If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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