my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
