can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
