i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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