I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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