trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
