I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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