I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
