her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
