True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
