so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
