My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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