We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
