sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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