Just took my morning after pill in the library
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
