how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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