3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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