I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Boobs speak an international language.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So much Jack, so little girl.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
