we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
