4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
