Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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