Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
