I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
