hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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