you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
