no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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