I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
