Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
