rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How naked do you want me to be?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
