I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
