I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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