Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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