My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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