I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
