Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Randomize
