I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
porn star boner night. come get it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
