In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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