Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
