Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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