id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
