Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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