I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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