I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
