Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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