You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
