his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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